If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

You cry, I cry, ….you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!!

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.

testicles are a great area for testing anti-wrinkle cream

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.- Benjamin Franklin

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Utility is when you have one telephone,
luxury is when you have two,
and paradise is when you have none.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

As long as people keep killing people, to stop the killing of people, the killing will go on.

Talent hits the target which no one else can hit; genius hits the target which no one else can see.

People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. There is much chaos in this world because things are being loved and people are being used.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.

If God wanted me to touch my toes,  he would have put them on my knees.

Why do corn flakes and Sugar frosted flakes have the save number of calories per serving?