Funny Things to Ponder


If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.
You cry, I cry, ….you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!!
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
testicles are a great area for testing anti-wrinkle cream
Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.- Benjamin Franklin
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Utility is when you have one telephone,
luxury is when you have two,
and paradise is when you have none.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
As long as people keep killing people, to stop the killing of people, the killing will go on.
Talent hits the target which no one else can hit; genius hits the target which no one else can see.
People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. There is much chaos in this world because things are being loved and people are being used.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,  he would have put them on my knees.
Why do corn flakes and Sugar frosted flakes have the save number of calories per serving?


Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

Don't Be A Fool, Rubberize Your Tool.

  • The Right Selection Will Protect Your Erection. 
  • She Won't Get Sick If You Wrap Your Dick.
  • No Glove, No Love! 
  • Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil. 
  • Never, Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker. 
  • When Your Undressing Venus, Dress Up Your Penis. 
  • If You Go Into Heat, Package Your Meat. 
  • If You Think She's Spunky Cover Your Monkey. 
  • Cover Your Stump Before You Hump. 
  • Don't Be Silly, Protect Your Willy. 
  • When In Doubt, Shroud Your Spout. 
  • It Will Be Sweeter If You Wrap Your Peter. 
  • You Can't Go Wrong If You Shield Your Dong. 
  • If You Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize. 
  • Don't Be A Fool Cover Your Tool


The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble


The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg
If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience

Now that I'm Older...

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost... WTH is it!

Why ask why? do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

soap bubble

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.


My FB is down and many folks have been reporting trouble tonight.

TV vs. computer

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


Demented Digits: ONE LINERS

Demented Digits: ONE LINERS* "Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."
*Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
*How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

DEMENTED DIGITS work in progress with many thanks to the WWW and the finest mates Face Book has to offer.

Comments may here are almost always in Jest... If you are offended I suggest you mutter quietly to yourself unless I have identified myself as the author of the written word... then you can save your mutters for after you leave.  Thank you for your cooperation