If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

You cry, I cry, ….you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!!

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.

testicles are a great area for testing anti-wrinkle cream

Common Sense was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust;
by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility and
by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I am a Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.- Benjamin Franklin

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.