Funny Things to Ponder

4/10/2011

THE PROSPECTOR LIMERICK (Adult Humor)

An old desert rat named Burdew
Came to town one day for a screw.
He threw down a quarter
And drawled out, "That orter
Cover a quick poke or two."

The madam looked very askance
At the grime on his shirt and his pants,
His scruffy gray beard,
The eyes that went weird,
And the odor that wasn't from France.

"Ol" fella," she said with a grin,
"For a quarter, I'll let you right in
To a room that's just ripe
For a man of your type
And a gal that's ideal for your sin."

The prospector's eyes went aglow
As the fire began burning below.
His hands started shaking
And his knees were aquaking.
It was plain he was rarin' to go.

So they led him out back of the place
To a shed with just enough space
For the fattest pink sow,
He'd seen anyhow
With a sorta' sweet smile on her face.

Burdew shoved everyone aside,
Slammed the door and was quickly astride
His porky delight
Where he spent the whole night
In a passionate piggyback ride!

At daybreak, Burdew poked his head
Out of the tumbledown shed
With a satisfied sigh,
He said, "Miss Piggy and I
Will be having our breakfast in bed."

CREATIVE PICK-UP LINES (Adults only Please)

* (Motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"

* Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

* I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.

* The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.

* Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

* Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.

* If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

* I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

* If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

* How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

* I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

* My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

* Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

* You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

* Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?

* How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat!

* Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be!

* Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock!

* Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

* Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

* Roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

* Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

* My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....

* That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

* I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to tinker" around with.

* Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

* I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

* I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

* Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

* If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

* If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

* Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

* Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

* You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

* The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

* Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

* Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

* I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

* I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

* If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

A Modern Fairy Tale

One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me." She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog.

"Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."

So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince.

You don't believe that?

Neither did her mother!

A Modern Fairy Tale

One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me." She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog.

"Oh, thank you, thank you," says the frog. "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."

So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince.

You don't believe that?

Neither did her mother!