Funny Things to Ponder

4/27/2011

You know your addicted to the internet when…

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
Your best friend is someone you've never met.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Your dog has its own home page.
So does your gold fish.


Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Mumble, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."


TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

 

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

4/12/2011

Astronomy - Blue Oyster Cult

Afroman - Because I Got High

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?

When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis…

her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"

How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

If breasts had eyes…

Spousal abuse would drop way off.

One Liners–pg.1

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Pleas turn your screen upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

Nope.....u still ugly!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is Facebook gossip.

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

4/11/2011

What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Why do men get their greatest ideas in bed?

Because their plugged into a genius!

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female

The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Why are men like cars?

Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

More Condom Slogans….

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

Don't be a loner, cover your boner

If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

Especially in December, gift wrap your member

Don't make a mistake, cover your snake

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

Encase that torch before you paint her porch

Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

It's always funky to cage your monkey

Can your worm before you squirm

Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

House your noodle then release your strudel

Sock that wanger before you bang her

While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis

Wrap that tool to catch the drool

If Sex was Clean and Food was a Four letter word…

When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister." Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.

4/10/2011

THE PROSPECTOR LIMERICK (Adult Humor)

An old desert rat named Burdew
Came to town one day for a screw.
He threw down a quarter
And drawled out, "That orter
Cover a quick poke or two."

The madam looked very askance
At the grime on his shirt and his pants,
His scruffy gray beard,
The eyes that went weird,
And the odor that wasn't from France.

"Ol" fella," she said with a grin,
"For a quarter, I'll let you right in
To a room that's just ripe
For a man of your type
And a gal that's ideal for your sin."

The prospector's eyes went aglow
As the fire began burning below.
His hands started shaking
And his knees were aquaking.
It was plain he was rarin' to go.

So they led him out back of the place
To a shed with just enough space
For the fattest pink sow,
He'd seen anyhow
With a sorta' sweet smile on her face.

Burdew shoved everyone aside,
Slammed the door and was quickly astride
His porky delight
Where he spent the whole night
In a passionate piggyback ride!

At daybreak, Burdew poked his head
Out of the tumbledown shed
With a satisfied sigh,
He said, "Miss Piggy and I
Will be having our breakfast in bed."

CREATIVE PICK-UP LINES (Adults only Please)

* (Motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"

* Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

* I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.

* The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.

* Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

* Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.

* If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

* I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

* If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

* How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

* I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

* My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

* Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

* You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

* Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?

* How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat!

* Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be!

* Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

* I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock!

* Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

* Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

* Roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

* Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

* My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....

* That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

* I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to tinker" around with.

* Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

* I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

* I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

* Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

* If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

* If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

* Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

* Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

* You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

* The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

* Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

* Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

* I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

* I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

* If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.